A Deep Dive into the Beauty and Destructiveness of Blogs Part 1: Introspection and Breaking a Poisonous Addiction

Chemical addiction is not something that plagues me beyond my sacred morning and afternoon coffee rituals, and the headache that hits if I don't have my daily doses of caffeine.  Lately, however, I have discovered that I do have an addition:  it is psychological and it is slowly poisoning my spirit.

My name is Rachele, and I'm a hate reader.  

I'm not sure if anyone else is familiar with this addiction, but it is nasty: soul-sucking, time-sucking, destructive and wasteful.  

The syringe?  The internet.  

The drug?  Blogs. 

Well, not all blogs. 

Many bloggers use their platform to teach and inspire.  My favorite blogs compel me to be a better me; to find beauty in the mundane; to hone my skills; and to do more with less.  They evoke feelings of well-being and well-wishing, even when I do not agree with a message, or share the same passion.

This is why I started reading blogs in the first place.  They all started out as little communities where common ground was discovered.   People who seemed to be at their wits' end with materialism and marketing were able to use the world wide web as a means of creating an environment of growth and accountability, further pursuing their passions and challenging others to identify and pursue theirs.  Many, myself included, found this very refreshing, and blog readership grew.  Bloggers became trusted sources of information.  Many of these blogs still exist and are thriving today.  

There are blogs that have ceased to bring me joy.  No longer do I find inspiration in their words, photos and videos.  On the contrary, at the end of their post, I feel drained.   My mood can be described as anything from deflated, dissatisfied and demotivated, to envious, enraged and bitter.     

What I am seeking is an understanding of why I find these negative feelings to be so addictive.  That is a strong word to use, but it fits.  Clearly something that is bad for me is activating the pleasure sensors in my brain. I keep reading these blogs.  I check in for more everyday...and if I'm being totally honest, multiple times a day.  

Most significantly, I find myself seeking out others that feel the same way about a particular blogger, frantically scrolling for negative comments at the end of a post, and popping over to snark forums.  In these places, I find validation for my feelings, camaraderie with the others that, like me, acknowledge the nakedness of this emperor parading in the streets  Together, we declare that anyone who likes, supports and defends the blogger is an ignorant, delusional sheep. 

The feelings continue to fester inside me, and I find pleasure in the thought that more and more people are finding out that this blogger is a phony.  It is becoming obvious that I keep going back because I long for the day that all supporters turn against the blogger, the day that more comments agree with me than disagree.  It makes me happy to dream of the day that the bloggers' fortunes and popularity not only decline, but that it is common knowledge that they caused their own downfall.  

Yes, as I type, it is frightening me, but it is true: I want them to walk around with a big scarlet letter on their chest, ringing a shame bell with one hand as they reach behind to beat themselves with a plank with the other; to admit that they have deceived their readers and that they have sold out. 

Make no mistake:  I do feel strongly that there are big problems within the blogging and social media world that need to be exposed and discussed.  

No, I do not feel that I am wholly out of line.  However, there is no excuse to succumb to these destructive and poisonous feelings. It is not OK to justify my bad behavior and sinister thoughts because of the blogger's content choice, or because I feel that they have sold out.  It is downright unacceptable to wish for and find joy in someone's failure, or to inflict judgement on someone that has a different perspective than I do.  

I need to stop hate reading.   

For my first step, I am acknowledging and taking responsibility for my actions that have led to my current state.  But like everyone plagued with an addiction, if I am to be successful overcoming it, I need to take a deeper dive into what is happening and why, and I need to understand that I, alone, have the power to stop.    

My goal is to explore this in a more constructive way; to clearly understand why I find joy in some blogs and why I need to stop following others.  There are reasons that so many blogs inspire so much snark and ill-wishing, while others do not.  My next question is why.