One factor in this is my personality. On the introvert / extrovert continuum, I tend to slide further down towards introvert, and social anxiety for me is so real. I do enjoy having time to myself, and it takes a tremendous amount of effort for me to socialize, especially in groups larger than about four - six is my absolute max. If I make plans for Saturday night early in the week, no matter how much I love and care about the people that I will be socializing with, no matter how much I know I will laugh and have fun, I find myself stressed and exhausted, even days before the plans take place.
95% of the time, I leave the engagement with a feeling of well being, and a sense of belonging. I try to hold on to those feelings in an effort to prevent my fatigue and stress the next time I make plans, but for some reason, I would rather make time to be alone. The reality? When I spend too much time alone, I start to feel alone. As I have gotten older, this tends to bring on a massive attack of depression.
I also find that I really take my family for granted. For instance, Christmas day is heaven to me; nothing is open, and I look forward to some downtime, where I am not thinking about errands and chores. It is also a day when family typically wants to gather. This year, my mom invited me to spend Christmas afternoon with them and eat dinner. It was a small gathering of my mom and dad and my grandma For some reason, I had to literally drag myself over to their house. It wasn't that I didn't want to see or be with them, I simply didn't feel like going and making the effort to be social.
But as usual, I was so glad that I did. This year there were so many things to be thankful for. My 96 year old grandmother, is staying with my mom due to a broken hip and partial replacement earlier this year. She made full recovery, and not just a recovery, but a recovery that what would be considered a miraculously wonderful at any age, but especially hers. My mom and dad are both relatively healthy and happy.
And then I drove home, listening to a Christmas Concert on NPR. As I looked around at everyone's festive lights, I heard "Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow..." and I burst into tears. This could be my last Christmas with any of those I love.
Heck - this could be my last Thursday with any of those people that I love...I'm not guaranteed Friday, and neither are my friends and family.
"The days are long, but the years are short.". I don't know who exactly to attribute that saying to, but most recently I was reminded of it by Gretchen Rubin, who named this as one of her most valuable Secrets of Adulthood.
Reflecting on this did make me quite melancholy, but oddly hopeful. It inspired me to create two of my own Secrets of Adulthood along with a Commandment to myself:
SECRET: I
don't like doing nothing nearly as much as I think I do when there
are things to do, or places to be.
SECRET: I
can always find a way to make more money; I will never be able to
find a way to create more time.
COMMANDMENT: When and idea to do, to be or to go brings feelings of excitement, warmth and joy, keep the tendency to question in check and just go with it.
(Note to my future self: YES. This means that sometimes I will have to force myself to do stuff. 99% of the time, I won't regret it.)
The secrets and commandments were discussed by Gretchen Rubin. I've read two of her books The Happiness Project and Better than Before. Both of these works make reference to this practice. Both of these works resonated with me, and one day I found myself gravitating towards this practice myself. I've found it quite helpful to have these little reminders circulating in my brain, that never ceases to question the point of what I'm doing.
